Beating the Beast


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This is me

I have been battling the beast for a long time. I was teased and bullied during my time in elementary school and still to this day it impacts my self esteem. I was dyslexic and didnít learn to read until 6th grade. At the time teachers believed in a kinda Darwinism of the play ground and didnít try to stop it. My teen years were your typical stack of things that I am embarrassed by now that the beast likes remind me of on my lower days.

Jump to three years ago when I found BTB I had been living in Connecticut with my DH. He was working on a masterís in philosophy. I had a hard time making friends - did not make one friend the whole time. I did find a job that but it didnít pay and I hated it. I got pregnant during this time but lost the baby and right after that I lost my mind and spent a week in the hospital for emotional issues. It was very freighting for me. I didnít like the other people yelling and by that time I was no longer in to the ďhey you ask for a sleeping pill and give it to meĒ game. I just wanted to be someplace quiet and cry. I didnít get that but I was safe and lived.

I was also in a kind of day program for a month, I have to be honest I didnít get much out of it other than overcoming my fear of medication. I had to try a few before setting in with Lexapro, but it did make a difference for me.

Today I live with my DH in Texas but I long to return to Southern New Jersey were I grew up. I am working on my counseling license in grad school. My DH has also been DXed with the beast and like me has good times and very bad times, but we do okay and we have been trying for 2 years now to have a baby. This past summer I had OHSS and was hospitalized with medical issue for a week. When I was in ICU I was told I was pregnant but it was ectopic. I must say that I am handling it a little better this time. I cry a lot but my mind is still with me and I owe that to all the wonderful support I get here at BTB.

Have I beaten the beast? I donít know. But I do know that the anonymous support has helped more than words can describe. The ability to ask someone if ĎI do XYor Z does that make me bad?í or if I feel Ďthis or that am I still a good person?í and have it answered had been the help I needed. I have to add here that itís not only the getting that is helpful but there is true healing in giving someone a hug or an ďI have been thereí. I donít know if I will ever go that low again but I do know a good day when I see one does not mean I can no longer be reduced to tears over things that shouldnít. But my cynical and sarcastic humor does come out from time to time and I can have a good day with laughing and smiles without the anxiety that tomorrow it WILL be a low day. I live with the beast I will always live with the beast but every so often I am able to kick him in the balls!!!
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Revised: 09/02/05.

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