Beating the Beast

 

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Depression- a shroud of darkness that blocks out the sun, that blocks out joy, that blocks out hope. A heavy weight of worry, guilt and despair, that constricts the chest. A chain of self doubt and fear that restricts movement. An insidious disease that steals life from not only those who suffer its wrath, but also their families and friends who suffer the pains of watching the struggle...

I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. Trying to ask for help as a child, an adolescent, an adult. Still seeking help. Still seeking an escape from the pain. For me, depression is a biological issue. A chemical imbalance. I take enough medications to open my own pharmacy. Yet, the beast sneaks up from behind and grapples me to the ground where I struggle to be free, to remain alive. I have a husband and three children whom I love dearly. But in the clutches of the beast, I cannot see them. I cannot feel their love. I cannot give my love. I struggle in the darkness, at the will of the beast, in overwhelming pain...sometimes I want to die...just to end the pain. I cannot remember my family, my life, my abilities....I can only live in that terrible moment face to face with my faults, fears, and guilt. I need to escape. But there is no escape. My husband watches the struggle in fear and sadness. There is nothing he can do to help me. I am consumed by depression...the beast.

I am on a journey, seeking help, trying to flee from the beast.

 
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Revised: 04/02/05.

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