I got married quite young and so it was my poor husband
who took the brunt of dealing with my depression. I asked him over and over for
a divorce and he agree on one condition, I had to go and see a doctor
first. We talked for a while and
she told me that I had depression but I refused to believe it. She asked me to take some pills anyway
just for a month and see if they made any difference to my life.
So I did and one month later when I had stopped crying
all the time I felt I had to agree with her. I donít think that the pills made
me happy, or anything like, but it was as if they put up a barrier inside me.
All the stuff that was freaking me out or making me miserable just didnít matter
as much all of a sudden. I stayed on the pills the first time for 8 months
during which time I hooked up with a therapist, a friend of a friend had
recommended. I saw her for just over a year whilst I made a bit of progress but
realised she was not the one for me when she kept going on about movement
therapy and dancing. Both of which make me deeply uncomfortable.
During that time I kept working on my marriage and held
down a job for a couple nearly two years. It was in a local hotel, and then one
morning one of the staff there didnít come in and the owner went over to her
house to check on her and found sheíd hung herself. That was quite a shock to
the system and made me re-evaluate what I was doing with my life. I was deeply
unhappy in that job but felt like I was unable to try for anything better. A few
months after her funeral I became so fed up that I contacted the company that my
husband worked for and set up an interview for the next day. Two weeks later I
was working for the IWA and felt like I was making a difference to someone
elseís life. This was the biggest boost for my self-esteem, as what I was doing
really mattered. I was appreciated and told so regularly and whatís more I was
very good at my job.
After I parted ways with the dance therapist I lasted
almost a year of having a semi-normal life before I realised I was heading in to
murky waters once more. I had made a list of all the warning signs to watch out
for and although I didnít notice right off that I was sliding downwards, I did
have the sense to go to the doctor and get the pills and contact a new therapist
to try and get to the bottom of why I kept getting this way.
I decided that I didnít have the energy to go to the city
every week for therapy so I checked around for something more local. The town
only had two therapists and one was on holiday so I tried the other. She was terrible, just sat there saying
Ďand how does that make you feelí for an hour. I gave her the benefit of the
doubt and tried her a second week but at the end of the session I told her that
I was going to try the other therapist. This new one was brilliant and I felt
connected right away. Iím still seeing her every week and plenty of people have
said they are noticing a change in me.
After going to see this new therapist for several months
I realised that it was not just depression, I genuinely felt like my marriage
was not what I wanted out of life. I calmly went to my husband and presented him
with a huge range of options of how we could proceed but told him that I was not
happy with things the way they were and that something had to change. A week
later he told me that he had decided he wasnít happy either and we decided to
get a divorce.
Despite now living in a small flat in a small town
instead of a large house by the lake in the country and having to give up my
darling puppy, I know I made the right decision. I huge amount of stress was
lifted up from my life and since Iíve lived in town, (9 months) Iíve only had a
few bad patches here and there when I touch on difficult stuff in therapy.
Iíve been pill free for nearly two years now and although
going to therapy really is a struggle Iíd prefer to keep trying that than go on
the pills again. Although after they kick in for a while I quite enjoy the lack
of worry about everything, after a while I realise that Iím also not really
experiencing any of the highs of life either.
I still have times when I find my life completely
pointless and despair of ever making it better. I still have trouble doing
things for myself, although doing anything for one of my friends is never too
much trouble. I still have a tendency to fall for any guy whoís even a little
bit nice to me and have very very low expectations about what I want out of a
relationship. I still have a tendency to put myself down and find everything I
do imperfect and unworthy of praise. However I at least now aware of these
things and can try to work on them.
I know there are quite a few other people in the same
town as me with depression. Sometimes we talk about it and sometimes we donít
but again itís nice to know they are there. I suspect that as this is a seasonal
town with a very busy population in the summer and a small under-occupied
population in the winter there is more out there than anyone can dream of. There
is a huge stigma still attached to any form of mental illness in this area. Iím
always quite open and honest with people when they ask me about it as I feel
that mostly its ignorance that is a barrier here. Plus, being that I work in the
arts, come from a different country, donít attend church and am getting a
divorce most people already have me down as different from the word go. Somehow
they are able to accept things from me that they would never tolerate in someone
I get depression I find that my natural shyness gets worse and I find it hard to
talk to anyone. Its been a while Iíve been a member but this is the first day
Iíve plucked up the courage to post. Iím interested to see how others respond to
my posts, as aside from my therapist and best friends who are quite neutral or
very supportive or my ex-husband-to-be who thinks Iím nuts, I donít really get
any feedback about how nutty Iím sounding at any particular