Depression, quite a word,
one I hate. I have struggled with the beast off and on for as long as
I remember. It fills me with self doubt and self hate. I can turn
against anyone who cares about me in a second because I feel that
their words and love are all lies, all I can see is hate. I don't see
their love and everything gets taken in as a personal attack. All I
want is the bad, the pain, I want reassurance that what I feel about
me is the truth, if I can see it why can't they. They are blind.
Suicidal thoughts consume me, I want a way out, a way to be free. I
run away, escape and hide, it finds me though. I cut to release the
pain, it feels good but then it feels bad, shameful and fuels the self
hate and doubt in my life. I want everyone to hate me, that would be
best, then I wonder where they went, why they don't care. No matter
what happens, what gets said or done there is no right answer. It is
my struggle and mine alone.
The walls are huge that I build for others. I want them to believe
that I am ok, that I am the person they love and see. I play the game
and hide the inner torment but it doesn't last. The walls crash and
fall and I burn every bridge in my path. I can't win for losing, I
can't be what you want me to be, I have to be me but who is that?
I'll beat this thing yet. I see glimmers of me now and again, the
person I admire and love. I'm there with my huge smile and bright eyes
to light up the sky. I'll grab on to me and find my own path. I chose
the hard route, my life is a struggle but I will get there in the end.
Life is a choice and one I am determined to make.