Beating the Beast


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I stumbled across BTB nearly a yr ago. Having only just got a home computer & wanting to get some contact with others with similar problems. Iíd already joined a forum online called Saneline but it didnít really do much for me .Also found it to be very cliquey. Fortunately for me it did have a links page so I just followed that really.

So how did my depression all start? Not entirely sure. I always had a side to me even when I was a little girl for getting anxious over very small things. Both my parents had either anxiety/depression, but especially my Mum. I used to see her crying an awful lot when I was growing up. I canít say I had a remarkable life & really my parents who always seemed much older to me (well they had me & my Bro quite late in life compared to others) never seemed to be that bothered with our growing up. I hit the teenage yrs & found myself crying a lot easier. I went to college which meant living away from home & I hit quite a low in my second yr. I nearly left but carried on. Halfway through I then became a Christian. I did all the usual Christian things but gradually found it difficult to commit myself. I met my husband Steve. Things changed a lot when we got together, he was (& still is) a Christian. But in 1988 his Dad suddenly died. That kicked off   some real hellish times for us. Seemingly it triggered Schizophrenia in him, though not diagnosed until some 3-4 yrs later following a few stays in hospital for him. We got married in 1990 moved in with his Mum  then got a place of our own to rent in 1991.I went through hell during that time & Iíd say that has left a lasting dent on my own mental health. But we muddled through & Steve got the right treatment eventually & we gradually built our lives together. Things picked up so much so that he got a job & I fell pregnant with Dan born in 1995 & then Ailisha in 2000.

I did have a lot of pressures at work doing Housing Benefit in a local authority . But left to do shop work so I could commit more time to the kids. Shortly after having Ailisha things went very downhill for me following what I would call a series of disasters. Dan got taken into hospital, my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer for a second time & many other things just built up. I think I probably had a bout of Post Natal Depression thrown in for good measure too. I saw my GP who was very understanding & after many different types of Antidepressant got referred to see a Psychiatric Nurse in town. He was very good & we did a lot of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which helped. Thing is I got too reliant on his help & just liked him a little too much. I had a couple more bad episodes in 2002 & went into a Psychiatric Hospital Unit for two short stays of a week at a time. It helped though I think Iím more or less Ďstuckí with being called a ĎDepressiveí (read that one in a letter to the hospital from another doctor). Over the yrs Steve & Myself have had it quite tough & last yr we started attending relationship counselling, which also helped. I also lost my Mum in 2002 to breast cancer which Iím still tying to get over. Last week my Dad died of heart failure.

I know that sometimes things do get very bad & the disasters are never ending so it seems. But we have to live through it & not give up. No one ever guaranteed that when you are born everything in life is gonna be great.

Iím still trying to figure out what Iíd like to do with the rest of my life. I still really have a burning ambition to work with the mentally ill or even children with problems. Though Iím not sure Iím strong enough.

I am very grateful for all the support Iíve received here & wish Iíd found it sooner. All I know is we do need to stick together in our bad times & really that has kept me going.

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Revised: 04/02/05.

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