Beating the Beast


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My name is Ken, I go by PhotoKen here at BTB. I am now 43 years old, married for 22 years to a very supportive wife and have two "kids' A daughter, age 21, recently married, and a son age 20 still living at home with us. We also live with a sheltie named Luc and two cats, Jasmine and Rhiannon. We live in Indiana, USA.
In June of 2000 I found myself battling for a desire to live. I went to see my MD with hopes of an easy answer but he diagnosed me with Depression and set up an appointment with a therapist. This came as a blow to me because even though I knew that my life had been a hard one,  I felt I had coped, but my ability to just cope had just run out of energy. I felt that I was wearing a heavy black robe and I was being forced to try to live with it.

I've been in therapy now for over 3 years with the same person. She was able to see that my primary issue was not depression but PTSD due to childhood abuse. I endured sexual, physical, and emotional abuse at the hands of the people that should have been protecting me as a child. I had lived with this, keeping the truths of my childhood in a secret place in my mind. But It was not happy being hidden anymore and the poison had to come out. I have endured flashbacks, nightmares and periods of disassociation due to this.

In these past three years I have been hospitalized once for my own protection, a time of intense pain that I cannot believe I lived through. I also fractured my hip earlier this year in a bicycling accident, a time of incredible physical pain, and I am still working on that healing.

My love is photography and I am trying to set up some small opportunities for exhibitions in the coming year.  Last fall I was able to do one of the dreams of my life, visit England and photograph some of it's history. My first exhibit will be of those photographs.  When I am physically healthy I love bike riding and fencing. Both of which has been set aside right now while my hip mends.

I now see therapy as an ongoing requirement in my life. I cannot see an end to it right now. I am taking Anti-Depressant drugs to keep me a level playing field while I work on draining myself of the poison that has lived inside me for so long. In looking back over my entire life I now realize how much was wrong and how it has affected me

My occupation is in a technical field, computer network systems, manufacturing metrology, quality auditor. This keeps me very busy where I work and I am fortunate to have this career.

I have met some of the most beautiful people of my life on Depression sites such as Beating The Beast. I have also been fortunate to have met some of these people and have learned to trust people, something alien to me before now.

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Revised: 04/02/05.

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