Beating the Beast

 

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I have experienced depressive episodes since I was very young. I was a chronic worrier and very insecure then. I seemed to never feel good as a teenager and felt different from everyone. I remember crying a lot and nightmares I was very nervous of everything. I married young 17 and had my 2 children by 20. After my last was born I developed panic, anxiety and major depression.

 

I was then put on medication. It seemed to help.

 

I am now 44 and at a point where I am trying to accept that I am predisposed to depression. I struggle though because I feel like somewhere along the line I must be doing something wrong or it would never come back.

 

Between then and now
I have taken the word depression out of my vocabulary (it didn't exist) ,
I have partied myself out of my reality only to come back and feel guilty,
I have tried herbs and remedies galore,
I have fell on my knees and prayed many times for God to take it away,
I have tumbled and fell and got back up and continued on.

 

That is what frustrates me...Just when it seems like I have a grip the bottom falls out again and into the darkness of my existence I go.

 

I think my problem to be honest is my lack of trust in the doctors and the meds they prescribe. I am trying to change that. I need to change that attitude, it is obvious I need their help.

 

Depression....not much fun....at all!
 
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Revised: 04/02/05.

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